So it’s National Suicide Prevention Week, yes? Alright, here we go.
It’s never been at this level before until this summer. This summer, it was ridiculously close. All my friends who are reading this should already know what happened to me this past summer and you all know I’ve went through hell, and still to this day, doing my best to be strong and continue to keep my head up. But no one would ever think i can get suicidal from it right? Because knowing me, i should be stronger than that. But i couldn’t be that strong. At least not for the first ~3 months.
I constantly had suicidal thoughts for almost 2 months. Every single night, it was there. I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t make them go away. Why? Because i was seriously and legitimately fucked up inside. Because he took everything in me, burned me alive, and just left me there. I may have adjusted to the loneliness and kept myself busy during the day, but it was always impossible at night. The pain was never ending. I was beginning to think i was unfixable. All of the pain was just too much for me to contain. Everywhere i go, everything i see, smell, hear, it will always remind me some part of him, a part of us. There has been a million times where i have thought to myself, “i really can’t do this anymore…i can’t fucking take any of this shit anymore.” It took every single cell in my body to somehow keep my shit together. It was so incredibly close. I was even having nightmares about it, on top of having nightmares about everything that happened. I was literally a hair away from attempting it. It was all i could imagine, because it was the easiest way out. It was the easiest way to make the pain go away. To make it all stop. To erase everything. I was going to give up. Because i didn’t want to cry anymore. I didn’t want to have anymore breakdowns. And i was terrified to have yet another panic/anxiety attack because they’re so fucking painful to fight through. I was tired of being strong. I just didn’t want to be strong anymore.
Don’t worry, i never did anything to myself. If i didn’t grow up teaching myself to have such a strong will, i probably would’ve attempted at least once. So here’s my two cents on Depression/Anxiety, everyone should already know it’s never a choice. The first thing people will always say is to be there for them, always have open ears and open arms. Be supportive and let them know how loved and important they are. Yes, you should do all those things and more. But you also need to understand that it’s a war between the person and their own head, and nobody else. You can do your very best and be there for them 100%, but it’s ultimately a constant battle for them, inside their body. And they’re the only ones who can really fight through it. Most of the time, i don’t think it’s because they think they’re worthless or not important to the world, i think it’s because they don’t want to fight anymore. The pain is too intense and too powerful for them to handle for another second. It’s not because they don’t think anyone loves them, it’s because whatever’s causing the pain, is too much for them to fight against anymore. It’s not because they don’t want to try, it’s because they’ve been trying too hard, and it’s still not getting any better. We can only be strong for so long, we’re only human.
Today, I am standing on my two feet, alive, and smiling. And to be honest, i owe the biggest thank you to every single one of my friends. Because if it wasn’t for them, i probably wouldn’t have gotten better this fast. I haven’t had a serious suicidal thought in over a month now. I still get mental breakdowns and very small panic attacks once in a while, but that’s okay. I can contain them now and i refuse to let it destroy me alive again. It shouldn’t take someone to commit suicide to make you realize you need to be there for them or that you should’ve been there. Whoever your close ones are, please always remember to be there and always remind them that you are still there. You don’t even need to give advice, just listen to them. It’s a given to always say encouraging words and be supportive, but don’t just say that “it’s okay, you can get through this.” Tell them that it’s perfectly okay to feel so much pain, to feel so angry, tell them to take it one day at a time. Tell them to remember to always take a breather and control it, don’t ever let it control you. Always remember to keep in touch with the good friends and check up on them when you can, because you’ll never know when you’ll need them or when they’ll need you.
To those awesome friends, and also to those who are aware of these sort of mental illnesses, thank you so much for the words of encouragement and support, not just for me, but for anyone who’s suffering. And to those who think suicide is someone who is being selfish or a way of “getting attention,” i encourage you to go get a big bitch slap across your punk ass faces.
And lastly, always remember that every single person out there is going through some sort of struggle, some may be worse than others. It may not be as serious as having depression, but everyone needs words of encouragement once in awhile. We all deserve that much.